things to do part 1 (of many I hope!)

throughout our heralded lives (or not so heralded if you live in a Red State, oh no, I live in a Red State! call the heralds! I need heralding!), we all think to ourselves, "GOSH self, I'd really like to do x, y, or z" (usually of course this doesn't mean copious amounts of sex with the last few letters of the English alphabet but then again who knows what's possible in a world where parents allow their children to sleep over at Neverland--hello there's NEVER in the freakin' name of the place!)...well I'm a fan of lists...so here's part one of many I hope (hence the nifty title of this blog entry!)

Things to Do:

1. Invent new html tag for stoners, most likely . The effect on text would be wavy, colorful, with a hover-over effect that appears to be pot smoke and also launches a media file that has some gnarly jam band riff. I think I can hope that the W3C would adopt my code in the next version of HTML standards to be released. However I have this bad feeling that Microsoft would implement it wrong, making it cheesy or more like something that you'd see while "tripping" on hard acid, like making all the text melt or something silly. So this one is hard because if they did that, then this would just be dumb.


2. Write the most important novel or screenplay ever written. Or at least write one or the other. Doesn't really have to be all that important. Maybe writing a poetry book on the noble exercise of writing a poetry book or maybe a novel about the noble use of the crock pot in cooking vs. a pressure cooker. There's so many subjects out there, I don't know where to start!


3. Own one (or preferable all) of the following: a fez hat, a Viking helmet complete with horns, a propeller hat, or a hat that dispenses beer by two cleverly attached cans on either side and with an ornate straw leading into one's mouth. This can easily be accomplished via rooting through other's trash on eBay I'm sure but it's hard to figure out which one to get--amazingly there's plenty of versions available!


4. Speaking of Vikings, go to see a Viking metal band play. They're not really Viking metal bands unless they name their swords and wear battle armor onto the stage. Medieval metal might do, but I'm really pressing to see a Viking metal band. I'm sure there's metalheads out there that will say, well, can't you be satisfied with seeing a Pagan Folk Metal band from Sweden? No, I can't. And I especially don't care for the newer Viking metal, Black metal hybrids out there. That kind of cross-breeding reminds me of Front Royal, I mean, "get off your sister dude, you can't copulate with Aeertanuum the Snake-Rider!". Honestly, if you don't have a "jö" in your name, than your band need not apply.


5. Learn more about the world of sour cream. What is it made out of? Obviously it's a dairy product. But what makes it sour? Is it the packaging? Does the farmer squeeze the teat of the cow in a certain way and leave it in the bucket an extra ten minutes? If it's truly sour, then why is it so damn sweet on anything Mexican in origin?


6. Throw out the first pitch in a baseball game. It doesn't matter if it's Little League, AA, A, or AAA or hell even, like the Major Leagues (I hear they need some good press these days). I pitched a perfect game on my first game of my brand new EA Sports 2005 Baseball game, let's see if I can throw a strike from 60 ft. and 6 inches away. This can be accomplished by completing #2 in this list.


7. Sell a pair of used jeans to some Russian kid in Moscow for at least ten more Rubles than they're worth. And if Rubles isn't the current form of Russian currency, when I get around to doing this, that's too damn bad. I'll only accept Rubles for my darn Levi's punk! Hopefully I'll be selling it to that Berzerker kid from Clerks and he can sing while we do the exchange. And to answer the IRS's pending questions, yes I'll be declaring this transaction when it happens on my tax forms. Or at least my wife will, since she does everything related to the finances, because she's a banker at heart.


8. Find out exactly how many people have typed "1" instead of "!" to punctuate a sentence and then have left it. Why? This would just satisfy a certain curiosity I have with punctuation that looks eerily similar to the same number on the keypad. Mr. QWERTY, who invented the typewriter, oddly decided that 1 should be ! when the "shift" key is held down. Why? Why was it's the % sign or hell even *? Why is it that the only other number with another symbol that looks remotely similar to it is 0's ")", which really is only half of 0's full oval shape--then again "O" is right below 0 as if it's tempting AOLer's to be eLiT3. Argh! Damn you QWERTY!


9. Get in a fight with a guy with an NRA tattoo. I don't have to win, in fact I'm sure I won't--I'll lay down the ground rules that he can't pull out his six-shooter during the scuffle, though. I will also promise not to use my gnarly teeth to eat his ear or nostrils. I'm certain in Virginia (the aforementioned Red State!) that it won't be that hard to find a dude with an NRA tattoo. And yes I said a dude, because if I fought a chick, then when I got my ass kicked I'd feel dumb and have to take up quilting or something or drink Strawberry vodka. Oh and if that NRA tattoo is on his lower back right above his butt crack, then I'll have to tap out because that's just a silly place to have a tattoo sponsoring the NRA. Why the NRA? Because silly, if it was an NBA tattoo it would most likely be on some dude that's really tall and I'd have to carry around a freakin' stool just to be prepared to hit the tall bastard in the freakin' nostrils. Duh!

I think that's it for the part one list....stay tuned (and I know you will be awaiting!) for part two of many (I hope!)